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For Marrieds Married Sex Sexuality

Not your obligatory Valentine’s Day

Fun sex incorporates three things: memory, sensation, and adventure

If you’ve been married for any length of time, Valentine’s Day can feel like an obligation to come up with something new, exciting, or better than the year before. The same old same old just doesn’t cut it – a bouquet of roses is pretty on the dining room table but maybe you want more from your spouse this year.

How about a memorable Valentine’s celebration with your honey that takes you back through the stages of your relationship while propelling you forward in your sexual intimacy? Fun sex without the typical performance expectations that come with Valentine’s Day…here we come!

not your obligatory valentine's day - intimatetruthsMemories

While your kiddos are napping or you’ve got a second before heading off to work, jot down a few songs you remember from important times in your relationship. What did you dance to at your wedding? What did you listen to on that one road trip? Do you have a worship song that always encourages you both? Putting together a playlist of music to have playing in the background when you get alone time together can bring out all the feels and set the tone for your intimate time together.

A special piece of lingerie, a favorite tank top, or memorable bathing suit might be a fun prop to have around during love making. Whether you start off wearing it or not – it’s gonna come off anyway! – bringing back a memory of when you were first married or a fun vacation is a great way to cut through the pressures of performing on the day of love and softens the expectations that come with it.

Pictures are always a great way to bring back memories. Checking out your wedding photos or special ones you took just for your husband to see (and printed at home because you didn’t want the Costco photo folks to see them) give you both the chance to reminisce and re-live days when you could focus on just the two of you, something you get to do on Valentine’s Day.

Sensation

Giving and receiving pleasure – let alone reaching orgasm – is not always as simple as magazines and movies make it out to be. Remove the stress that comes with performance expectations by incorporating external stimuli to enhance your body’s responses.

Running a soft brush along the skin combined with gentle rubbing of the arms, legs, and erogenous zones is one way to wake up nerve endings that are often over-stimulated by deeper touch. Having your spouse close their eyes heightens sensations as well since they can’t anticipate where you’re going to touch or kiss them. Speaking of kissing, give yourselves the freedom to explore one another’s bodies with your lips. Kissing, nibbling, and licking the neck, ear lobes, and feet (along with usual locales of the lips, breasts, and genitals) produce erotic sensations, something that God wants us to enjoy within the safety and comfort of our marriages.

You can employ the senses to create the beginning of stimulation as well. Have your husband run an ice cube between your breasts (hot/cold), slather a bit of honey or chocolate sauce on each other’s body and lick it off (taste), or diffuse/wear an essential oil blend that evokes feelings of pleasure (ylang ylang and ginger are two oils known as aphrodisiacs).

Adventure

While men stereotypically love the adventure aspect of sex, you might discover it’s the x factor you’ve been missing in your intimate relationship with your husband. If you’ve ever had sex in the backseat of your car – even if it was parked in the garage – you probably had a different sexual experience than an intimate and cozy Tuesday night in your bedroom.

Manual stimulation is a must on the adventure checklist. Whether you stimulate yourself with his verbally accompaniment in your pleasure or you manually stimulate your spouse, enjoying physical touch with your husband is most couples’ first step in sexual adventure. If you’ve already experimented with that, a vibrator might be a great next step in your journey. Usually associated with [lonely – I don’t know the word I want here] masturbation, a vibrator can be used along the same lines as manual stimulation. Either by you or your husband, the use of a vibrator for pleasure with your spouse can heighten sensations and, in turn, a sense of adventure.

What about where you have sex? Have you ever had sex with your windows open (someone might hear you)? In the back seat of the car (see early paragraph)? Against the washing machine while it’s on the spin cycle (vibrations to echo your honey’s)? On the floor in front of the fireplace (the kids are in bed…you’re good)? Upping the ante in regards to environment is a surefire way to have a memorable Valentine’s Day with your husband.

No matter what you do, enjoy this excuse to focus on your marriage and sexual intimacy with your husband. Let memories set the stage and invite sensations to carry you through to some adventures you’ll want to repeat.

Categories
Honeymoon Married Sex Pre-marital Sex Ed Wedding Night Intimacy

6 essentials for your honeymoon bag

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6 essentials for your honeymoon bag

[Soon-to-be] newlywed gals, there are a few items that will make sex more fun and less stressful that you’ll wish you had been given at your bridal shower and/or bachelorette party. Instead of letting you discover these by trial and error, here is a quick list. Point your friends this way for a practical care package or head out and buy them for yourself before you head on your honeymoon (or settle into life’s intimate rhythms).

Lubricant

When you’re new to sex, you’ll want some form of lubrication until you and your husband have found different forms of foreplay that turn you on to the point of self-lubing. Some women always require lube regardless of how turned on they are simply because of body chemistry so don’t feel bad if you don’t “graduate” from using it. If you’re not using condoms, you can use a variety of lubricants including oils you might already have on hand (fractionated coconut oil is a great choice). If you are using condoms, you’ll need to use a water-based lubricant as you have a higher risk of the condom breaking with oil-based lubes.

Fun yet practical underthings

Too many pieces of lingerie are really only for his viewing pleasure. You should own a few key pieces of lingerie that you feel pretty in but can leave on long enough to enjoy a foot and back rub. When it comes time to be completely naked, you don’t want to spend 10 minutes unlacing something or have to wiggle out of something uncomfortable (discomfort does not equal beauty).

A simple robe

Whether you’ve always been a bathrobe girl or never worn one, a robe is super practical. Whether you need to scamper from the bathroom to the bedroom after a steamy shower with your new hubby and you don’t want to freeze (or let the neighbors see you through the drapes you forgot to close) or you want to tempt his imagination just a few moments longer, a robe is a key piece of your newlywed wardrobe.

Baby wipes

Sister, sex is messy. If you don’t use a condom, there will be semen to be cleaned up. Whether he ejaculates inside of you or elsewhere (if you’re using withdrawal as a natural family planning method), you’ll need to wipe it off. Instead of defaulting to the last shirt to get tossed in the laundry basket or rushing down the hall to grab a fresh towel, keep a packet of baby wipes nearby. Semen is sticky which makes baby wipes an excellent option for quick clean up.

Panty liners

While God made semen sticky for a reason (He also made gravity so He had to ensure the human race continued on somehow), it doesn’t always flow out all at once after intercourse. Panty liners are great at catching those last amounts of semen after you’ve cleaned up.

Thermometer

If you aren’t already tracking your cycle, you need to start now. Not only will you be better informed as to how your body works, tracking your basal body temperature with an oral thermometer helps you identify your fertile time of the month to help prevent or encourage pregnancy. You’ll also be able to anticipate your period which is helpful as well.

Shopping list

Lubricant: water-based (condom compatible) or oil-based

Robe: jersey knit or kimono silk

Baby wipes

Panty liners: for regular underwear or for thong underwear

Thermometer

What items do you keep on hand to make the logistics of sex less stressful?

Categories
For Marrieds For Singles General Sex Ed Parents Sexual Health Education Sexuality

Teenagers need to talk about sex with trusted adults: will it be you?

The heart behind Intimate Truths is encouraging conversations about anything surrounding sex and sexuality. I feel especially burdened when I come across things in our society – like lowering the age on the morning after pill – that lessen this imperative to a something like a website’s FAQ page. The post below is to remind all of us the importance of communication when it comes to sexual choices, to pray for women of all ages (and backgrounds) who are in the midst of making choices that will affect the rest of their lives, and to encourage you to create a dialogue with teenage girls in your life about intimate truths.

teenagers need to talk about sex  - intimatetruths.com

Matt Walsh’s recent post about not teaching his kids about safe sex brought to mind an article that was published in our local paper last year. Washington Post columnist Kathleen Parker’s Prude or prudent? The debate over access to Plan B ran under the headline Plan B is for women, not young girls. As a public high school health educator [granted, I’m on not teaching right now, but I still care deeply about it!], I am keenly interested in debates like those surrounding age limits on Plan B aka the “morning after pill.”

While I’m not getting into the debate about whether or not it should be available to girls as young as 15 (which it is now legal according to this article), I do want to address something that Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of pro-life political action group the Susan B. Anthony Lise, verbalizes quite eloquently:

“The FDA is recklessly positioning itself as a parent to our children,” Marjorie Dannenfelser, the group’s president, said in a statement. “Fifteen year old girls need the protection that comes with the involvement of real parents and doctors in their lives.” [emphasis added]

Ms. Parker, the Washington Post columnist, gets at this near the end of her column by asking a very important question:

What does it say about our culture that we discourage family communication about something as important as sex?

One of the most important parts of my [public high school] health class was encouraging my students to talk about sex with a trusted family member or adult family friend. Not to divulge everything they’ve ever done, what they want to do, etc but to gain a more well-rounded perspective on all of the ins and outs – physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually – of sexual activity. When I read that they’re lowering the age for getting Plan B without a prescription and without parental consent, it breaks my heart because we are essentially removing any encouragement for kids, yes, KIDS, to talk to their elders about sex.

I am a scientist by training. So why am I not advocating for Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards’ viewpoint, insisting that since the pill has been deemed safe, age barriers should be dropped? In my 5 years as a sexual health educator for Seattle Public Schools, if I learned one thing it was this: quality sexual interactions, regardless of your thoughts about age, relationship stability, etc for those involved, come down to communication. By having Plan B available to GIRLS as young as 15, we remove the need for conversation and let them make decisions all on their own. The more liberal reader might counter me by pointing out that they will probably talk to their sexual partner about it. I’m guessing not, however, if one of the tabs on the FAQ page on Plan B’s website is, “How can I talk to my partner about taking Plan B One-Step®?” Usually if there’s a how-to, it’s a difficult task or it’s not happening.

Here’s the deal: we need to encourage conversations about sex with the teenagers of our society. Whether you have a teenager or not, this is vitally important to actually teaching kids something rather than scaring them into not doing something. I know not all health teachers address sex ed like I do/did but the most important thing I wanted kids to leave my class with was an emphasis on communication with their partner. I don’t get to speak to where they’re at in life…but whether straight, gay, lesbian, atheist, Muslim, Christian, boy, girl, trans, sexual active, wanting to be sexually active, wanting to wait for marriage, or wanting to wait for a steady partner, they left my class armed with information and practice in communicating with something as intimate as sex. Did I scare them into not having sex? No. That’s not my place (though we did play STD [political correction] STI Jeopardy and I did show them graphic images of body parts ravaged by unchecked infections). My job is/was to prepare them for making their own decisions while emphasizing that sexual contact OF ANY KIND has incredible consequences physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and spiritually.

Which brings me to a similar question to that posed above: How can we encourage positive and fruitful conversations about sex with those younger than us? We need to encourage them to talk to a trusted adult about intimacy but go beyond, “Sex is great but wait for marriage.”

Let’s get back around what got me started on all this: Matt Walsh‘s comments on “safe” sex. With something like Plan B legally available as a get-out-of-jail-free card, we allow sex to be deemed “safe” outside of a committed [hopefully marital] relationship. This couldn’t be farther from the truth, something Mr. Walsh eloquently addresses:

Sex…is supposed to be an act of great depth and consequence. Sex is meant to be open and exposed. It’s meant to bring out scary and mysterious feelings of desire and devotion…We have taken the honesty, love, passion, beauty, and creative power out of the act, and replaced it with something sterile, guarded, frivolous, and disinterested.

Intimate Truths is a place to foster conversations about all things intimate. How have you used/how can you use what you learn here to reach others, particularly those younger than you?